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  • Writer's picturenicole scribble

If it wasn't for a scam

This might not be a good starter but here it is anyway. It all makes sense in the end.

It it wasn't for a scam | personal stories, poems, notes, and photos by Filipino journal writer, nicole scribble | black notebook, brown notebook, white pen
The two notebooks and pen you're seeing are not yours. Well, not yet before you designed this blog as a third attempt on documenting some moments of your life that you can only capture with written words.

You're not a good speaker. Writing, however, gives you comfort as it allows you to be composed before blurting another webbed-like (sometimes hurtful) thoughts.

People have a hard time understanding you. Even you cannot understand yourself sometimes as you get lost midway while explaining why thought A is connected with thought Z. Though they are far from each other, only you can see that they make sense together.

The exams that your psychiatrist advised you to take predicted this. Shrinks.

The results were right when they said this complexity in your thought process leads to misunderstandings and then sometimes (or often?) to conflicts.

They opened the psych evaluation results by saying you are smart, belonging to the 8% of the population to be specific. Population ie the other neurodivergents who took the same tests. Probably, this is only an affirmation to appease you. You know-- that you had to take those tests in the first place. You're suspicious, or doubting? As usual.

You're hoping being "smart" would somehow crossover to your social life. Nah, you're still struggling with that. You're collecting people to avoid cos you think you'll mess up, again. You were quite difficult to talk with.

You struggle to connect. You can't do small talks. Your remarks are far from casual. You are deep when you speak. You're awkward. You need time and small talks are not kind enough to give you that. It only gives you fake fillers to improvise. It's not you.

You want real things. That's why your friends are few and your lover loves you like you're his last. I don't say you're special. You're just, you.

You write to bridge these complexities and the people who choose to stay with you. Well, not being dramatic too, but your doctor/s and a number of wellness articles you read advised this too sooo... you treat this as another step towards healing. How practical eh!

And spiritual.

This is your third take. Maybe third time's the charm? If it wasn't for a scam.

Short epilogue:
You got this notebook on Wednesday, April 5 of 2023 because someone posted on Siargao Business Classified that she was scammed online and all her savings were gone. She ended up selling her notebooks and pen collection. You wanted to help her but looks like you ended up helping yourself in the end. You picked up the pen and started writing again.

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About nicole scribble

Just a tiny speck of cosmic energy here on earth.

I record my experiences in this space so I can remember.

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