...that I was on my way to healing.
See, when you have the Great Sadness (that seems to never go away), you start to lose interest in the things or people that used to give you THE spark.
If this has ever happened to you, you know what would come next-- you'd be looking for the 'wow' moments you're hoping to magically make your day more bearable. These moments are out-of-the-norm, extravagant, and unicorn events that could potentially break the pattern of your cold, monotonous, often tumultuous day-to-day life. May it be a partner proposing to you, winning the lottery, or as simple as getting a reply from that person who burned the bridge towards you. LOL. Sad.
The problem is that, yes, they rarely happen, which makes you more miserable than you already are. It's basically a vicious cycle:
As you can see in my *very* artistic rendering of the cycle, there's no way to escape this endless loop if your only hope to break it is waiting for these "wow" moments. But, as for your case, after months of seeing a psychiatrist, taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, catching up with friends, being physically together again with your lover, and reconnecting with your faith, things took a good turn.
Slowly, you stopped searching for your "wow" moments. Prolly, cos you just forgot to look and started living, accepting disappointments would always come along with things you can't control. It's not your fault. You somehow stopped beating yourself for these although it's taking a while to get rid of this habit (your psychiatrist helped you trace where the panic attacks are coming from).
Now, how did you know that you were on your way to healing? Simple. Admiring how the sunlight makes the waters sparkle, your friend told you "ang babaw ng kaligayahan mo day" (your happiness is shallow, girl). Instead of being upset, a switch lit up in whichever part of your brain that was. It dawned on you that these sparkles matter to you again. Just as how you notice again the ever-changing colors and patterns of the clouds during sunsets. It doesn't take much for you to be happy once more.
